In His Shoes
by Lily4873
Summary: Sam thinks about his brother. One-shot set in Stanford time. Originally posted to LJ in 2007.


"You know, it was my older brother that practically raised me," He said, taking a sip of the beer he had been holding idly for a while. He couldn't really hold his liquor but always liked to hang out with his friends at night. With the term-end exams finally over, the small bar near the campus was crowded with college students.

It was at some point that night after Alison had a fight with her sister on her cell-phone that they started talking about their own siblings.

"We couldn't really afford to hire babysitters all the time, being a single-parent household and all, you know, so on those days my brother would come straight home after school and take care of me, fixing dinner, helping my homework, stuff like that. And he was just a kid himself, I'm tellin' you." He didn't usually talk about his family, so this was something new for most of his friends. They leaned forward with mild curiosity.

"When he went out, he had to take me with him everywhere. I can only imagine what it was like for a teenage kid to be stuck with his little brother and have to be responsible all the time." Suddenly, he seemed to realize the attention he was getting. He squirmed on the bar stool a little consciously and looked down at his now lukewarm beer. Then he looked up and turned to Sam. "How about your family, Sam? Didn't you say you lost your mom when you were little?"

Sam ducked his head slightly. This was an expected turn of conversation but not one he was comfortable with. "Uh, yeah." He answered simply.

"Brothers or sisters?"

"I've got an older brother. But, uh ..." Sam hesitated a little before adding in a low voice, "We didn't really get along, so ..." He let his voice trail and shrugged nonchalantly.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Alison chimed in enthusiastically. "Being siblings doesn't mean you are close or you have to like them. I think you are lucky, Michael, to have such a good brother like that. Right, Sam?" She glanced at him with an arched eyebrow like talking to an ally.

"Um ... " Sam faltered and forced a small smile. "Yeah, you're right."

Sam always felt a little guilty to let his friends think he didn't like his brother, but he had long figured that it was best to let them believe whatever they wanted and avoid family topics entirely so he could lie as little as possible. Michael's story was like a punch in the gut. It was surprisingly similar to his own childhood - at least the "normal" part of it - and yet told from a point of view he had never really thought about. He knew Dean had always taken care of him, and he had thought he had appreciated it. But had he really tried to imagine what it had taken Dean to be the big brother in their messed up life? Why hadn't he thought about it while Michael seemed to have figured it out so easily?

Michael cocked his head and smiled. "Well, sure, we fought often enough. He complained and lost his temper sometimes, like the time his friend got an extra ticket for his favorite baseball game and he couldn't go because of me." He chuckled softly, "But in the end he always stayed with me and took care of me."

_Dean never complained. _Sam thought. _He teased me, cracked silly jokes, played pranks, but never complained about his role as the big brother._

"I kinda felt jealous of him sometimes, I guess, because my mom was always so proud of him for being such a good son and big brother," Michael was saying.

_Dean might have gotten a nod from Dad for being a good little soldier, but he never got praised for taking care of his little brother. Because that's what a big brother does, right? That's what _Dean_ does..._

"But that's really something and that's why I can't compete with him, you know, 'cause I owe a lot to him after all." Michael paused, shrugging, "Besides, the guy's got tons of embarrassing childhood stories of me up his sleeve. Sheesh!" Everyone laughed with him, except for Sam.

It had never occurred to Sam that he owed something to Dean. He had always protected and taken care of his baby brother like it had been the most natural thing in the world for as long as Sam could remember. After Sam had become a teenager, Dean treated him pretty much as an equal while protecting and taking care of him all the same.

_How did he do that?_

Dean had never made him feel like he had been a burden for his brother, and Sam had never once doubted that his big brother loved him and would do anything for him. He realized for the first time that he had really taken his brother for granted, and exactly how good Dean had been.

"Sam? Are you all right?"

He snapped out of his thought, greeted by his friends' worried faces.

"Yeah, fine. I was just ..." Sam faltered. His head felt foggy and his vision was strangely blurry.

"You look pale, Sam. Are you okay?" Allison asked, placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Well, I guess I'm a bit tired. I stayed up late last night. Maybe I should get going now." Rising from his seat, Sam mumbled the lame excuse and a half-hearted goodbye. He fled from the bar without looking back at his friends, who were watching him with odd looks on their faces.

It was dark and quiet outside. Nobody else was leaving yet. From the corner of his eye, he caught sight of a classic looking car driving past the parking lot. Sam couldn't help but stare. It was an Impala but it was not even black.

He closed his eyes and saw, for a fleeting moment, his brother's warm green eyes lit up with a mischievous grin.

- End -

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A/N: Many thanks to my great beta Ruth.


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